I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
