I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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