So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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