her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
