FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
