Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
