shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
