i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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