ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I would ride that face into the sunset
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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