dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
either way he was missing a nipple.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
