true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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