paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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