I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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