i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
