update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
