im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
