and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
