When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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