I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
