He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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