If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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