he wants to bone in the snuggie
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
