Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
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