i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
