She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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