I'm jealous of your bromance
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
