So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
