Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
His nipple licking is glorious
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