It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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