Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
