All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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