I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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