I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
