Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
