I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
