I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
