yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
