Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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