he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
