dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize