i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
