I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
