Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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