Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
