I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm too high and old for this...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
