Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize