in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
