i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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