If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
