I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
