it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Randomize
