I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
