I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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