Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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