Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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