I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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