I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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