from now on my penis is your penis
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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