I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
