I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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